We hear so often of the importance of emotional intelligence. We want desperately for our kids to have it! In Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne puts a high price on it as, well, saying, “In our hopes and dreams for our children, emotional intelligence should probably elbow out that football scholarship, or the viola concert tour, even the stellar report card.” Having the ability to understand the feelings of others can easily determine how well our children will get along in life. Yet, as Kim points out, emotional intelligence cannot be rushed.
Kim warns against the habit of “emotional temperature taking” that many parents have with their children, and adds, specifically, to avoid too much talk about feelings with children under age 9.
“We monitor their feelings, asking them to describe those feelings, to express them, to talk about them. We expect our children to have a complex awareness of their own emotions, with the insight and vocabulary to convey that awareness. While our intentions are well-meaning – “Honey do you think your anger at your sister might also be a little jealousy? Can you tell her how you feel inside?” – this emotional monitoring has an unexpected effect. It rushes kids along, pushing them into a premature adolescence.”
“Too Much Sharing of Feelings with Kids?”, a recent article in the New York Times explores the issue from yet another fascinating angle, and gives great insight into the way our emotional monitoring comes across to our children.
So how, exactly, do we nurture emotional intelligence? Young children may not always be able to talk about their emotions, but they can often set things right by doing. They need to find their lost toy, dig a big hole, paint a picture, throw something (Kim suggests turning this into a game, perhaps pretending you are bouncing a ball over molten lava…anything to get the energy out without hurting someone!) By engaging the world in a physical way, like this, children can often deal successfully with big emotions. We can trust that, in time, they will be able to talk about them as well.