That upcoming Birthday party is still weeks away…but you can already hear the march, march, marching of an ominous army of beeping, flashing, plastic toys – headed directly towards your house. You’ve worked hard to simplify your child’s environment, and don’t want to lose your recent success…But you also know that everyone who offers your child gifts does it out of love. How can you win the support of friends and family around your chosen path of simplicity – in a way that honors these friends and family members who simply want to shower your child with their love?
One way we’ve cut back on excess at our house (and hopefully increased the fun at our kid’s parties) is to to include a line on the invitation, “Your presence is your gift” – so that no one feels a gift is expected, and everyone can come and enjoy the fun, regardless of their budget or time constraints. There are still certainly gift-giving occasions, and relatives sometimes have questions about what types of gifts are appropriate.
One of our Simplicity Parenting Group Leaders, Paula Hamma of California, recently shared these ideas about gift-giving and receiving. I think they are so helpful for those wanting to set some boundaries, but who are intent on strengthening, not damaging, valued relationships with family members.
Paula offers these suggestions:
Have a Conversation
One of the hardest things for some parents is to discuss this with others, but if it is possible, it often brings a positive outcome – It grows the relationship and is such a good way to practice conversation skills.
- Explain that the child loves them because of who they are and the time they spent together, not because of the gifts they give. They do not need to buy the love of the child, the child loves them already. Children truly want us to give of ourselves.
- Share that you want your child to learn to be grateful for the simple things in life, because they are most wonderful.
- If the person has given you something you remember that was a simple gift or outing or special time together, share the story of it with them.
Give Direction
- Some parents prefer to provide catalogs containing simple, open-ended toys, (such as Nova Natural or For Small Hands – which contain many simple and sturdy toy ideas for children.) This can be helpful, but it is nice to explain that the catalog toys are just ideas, because some of those items are pretty pricey. Many items can be made from items already in the home.
- If the person is crafty, ask if they can make an item for the child. Knitting a cap or scarf, sewing a dress for a dolly, building a wooden & wire mesh bug catcher,
- If the person enjoys nature, they can gather treasures – stumps/cut branches from the trees in the back yard, a ribbon-tied bunch of fresh flowers, a cutting from a favorite plant, a basket full of acorns/shells/pinecones etc. …It’s even better when the gift is an invitation to gather the items together.
- Ask for a treasured toy form their childhood.
Create a Collection
- Classic book collection – a favorite book from their childhood, or a fairy tale collection, mother goose collection, animal fable collection.
- Toy kitchen collection – real items found in their own home – shot glasses, tea cups, small spoons, linen cocktail napkins, small plates, old teapot, small pots and pans, etc.
- Marble collection
- Share a wishlist from the child of items you will not mind if the child plays with occasionally.
Create Memories
- Create a family memory book – provide paper and ask them to write a memory of when they were the child’s age, when the parent was the child’s age, what they love to do right now, what they loved to do when they were a child, their favorite place on earth, memory of a family vacation, etc.
- For both of these ideas, if the person is artistic, ask them to draw pictures to go with the stories.
- Create family pictures books – ask for pictures of when they were the same age of the child or favorite pictures they have of them with the child.
Get Practical
If your child is very interested in something or in doing a sport or activity that is expensive, ask for others to donate items or contribute towards the fees for the activity. This might include special clothes or shoes for a child very interested in fashion, sports/activity equipment or team fees. This way your child does get the “treat” of something special that you may not be able to afford.
Children’s Parties
Create a culture amongst your friends that birthday parties are to be enjoyable children’s events. We set the tone for this with the first birthday we plan for our child. Ask parents to have their child make something – children love baking for friends, or mixing up a batch of finger paints or aromatic play dough. You may also ask that children share a treasure (a beautiful stone, acorn, flower from the garden, etc.) rather than purchasing a present.
…And finally, the only one that really ever works 100% of the time:
Give up! Stop trying to change everyone else and just set the boundaries for your family.
Realize that the giver gives a gift out of love and wanting to give you enjoyment.
Accept the gift with love and gratitude.
Be sure you are honoring the giver – if the gift does not bring you happiness and instead gives you a sense of dread or obligation then focus on honoring the intent of the giver.
1) If the intent was to give the giver happiness and you accepted it gratefully, then the intent has been fulfilled
and the item is no longer necessary – pass it on.
2) If the intent was to bring you happiness, then do whatever makes you happy with the gift!
Things want to be useful, so make the item happy by becoming useful rather than shoved in the back of your already too full shelf! Give it to someone who will use it and you’ll also bring happiness to the other person which also honors the intent of the giver!
If your child gets an inappropriate toy and your boundaries are pretty clear, your child will know immediately it will not be a toy that is going to be around your home for long and sometimes, children do not even want the toy.
We teach our son to be grateful and express gratitude for the gift…even if he does not like it. Then., later, we either say, “play with it all you want for the next week and then we are going to pass it on (although I kind of feel bad giving toys we don’t want to others to deal with!), or we give him an opportunity to donate/sell back the toy and get money to put in his bank account for it, or we offer an opportunity for him to exchange the item at the store for something he really wants.
Paula is the mother of two charming little boys. She is a Simplicity Parenting group leader, and for the past few years has also led mother-to-mother support groups as a volunteer for an international non-profit organization. Paula feels deeply fortunate to have embraced Simplicity Parenting because of the profound impact it has made on her family life.